An Outstretched Hand

"Hi, I'm Dorothy." She offered her hand, wrinkled and pale, from the next table over. He took it. "Uh, hi. Adam."

"I knew an Adam once. Saved my life."

"Really?"

"Swear to God." Dorothy put a hand over her heart. "We were crossing the Himalayas after the avalanche — the roads were out, see, and the pass was the safest way—"

"You couldn't just wait?"

"Not if we wanted to get penicillin to the dying folks over there."

"Shit."

"And vomit and blood. But enough about symptoms. So we're hauling this sledge over the rubble—"

A reflective-vested construction worker leaned over from the counter. "You were pulling it by hand?"

"The only horse was on the other side, so it was pull by hand or give up. Now, we're lowering it down the slope when a rope snaps..." Five minutes later, the entire restaurant was listening silently. "...and I'll never forget him. Still send him Christmas cards, actually."

Silence reigned in the restaurant. A server cleared her throat. "Do you know any stories about a Cassie?"

"Does Cassandra count? Then, by God, I knew a Cassandra. Possibly the smartest woman I ever knew...." The restaurant leaned in for another story.

Informative and Disgusting

"You ever have one of those days when you just can't pee straight?" Dave closed the door behind him and buckled up. "Um, no?" Nitya gestured at her crotch, which contained zero penises.

"I figured. Well, it's a pain in the ass. Gets everywhere, and you feel bad for making a mess, but not bad enough to clean it up. It gets on your shoes, and—"

"I think I get it." She pulled into traffic. "Informative and disgusting, thank you. Is this a real thing?" She looked in the rearview mirror at Ivo.

"Oh, sure." Ivo bobbed his head. "Some days, it just goes like that. Bends this way or that, nothing to do about it."

"How does it bend?" Nitya made a face.

Dave gestured. "See, when the pee comes out, it squirts off in another direction, like a hose with your thumb on the end."

"Well, yes," Ivo said, "that happens. But that is a small thing. Sometimes it just twists and turns in mid-air. Ends up everywhere. I hate it."

"What?" Dave asked, at the same time Nitya said, "How?"

"Something to do with body temperature and fluid dynamics of hot liquids, I think.... This doesn't happen to you?" Dave could only shake his head.

Theory on Polymorphic Resonance

Allouicious looked out of place: scrawny, pale, with a long, dark beard shot with grey, wearing nothing but his trews and padded gloves. He cast a longing look at his wizard's staff, propped against a nearby tree. "This is so... not me." "Stop whining." Zanzimin was the fairer mirror image of Allousicious. "If we keep feuding, people could get hurt."

"I know, just..." Allouicious shrugged.

The mayor stepped forward. "Right then. I want a fair fight, and let this be the end of ill will between you." Both nodded.

At the bell, Allouicious backpedaled from his opponent. Like a vengeful mirror, Zanzimin charged. Allouicious covered his face with his bony arms, and Zanzimin bounced off his gloves off them. After many seconds Zanzimin slowed, breathing heavily, and Allouicious threw punches that bounced off Zanzimin's equally-bony chest.

The two wizards ended up weakly pushing and tugging at the other, slowing each second until they gasped for breath.

"You're right," Zanzimin gasped. "This was a stupid idea."

"Now admit that your theory on polymorphic resonance between dimensions demonstrating adjacency is just as flawed."

Zanzimin grinned. "Oh, shut up." The two walked off the field of honor, each keeping the other from falling.

Wiping up Condensation

He stayed at the cafeteria table, pushing ketchup around the plate with his fries until everyone had left but her. She rose with her tray, and he spoke. "Hey, so, let me know if you wanna go out sometime." "Oh, um, I don't really think, um, that's a good idea. Um, sorry." She looked uncomfortable, and looked down at the receipt, focusing on the tip.

"Oh, wow, uh... I thought, you know, we hang out a lot, and uh, the way we talk made me think we, uh, could be a good match, you know?" He busied himself wiping up condensation left from his soda.

"Um, I guess, but that's just, like, how I talk with everyone. I mean, not everyone, I don't get along that well with everyone, but it's not, um, I'm just not looking right now, I guess." She looked anywhere but at him.

"Oh, sure. Are you, uh, seeing anyone right now?"

"No, it's — I mean, kind of, but it's not that."

"I, yeah, that's cool. I hope this doesn't, uh—"

"Oh, no, I'm cool. I mean, it's cool, don't worry—"

"Cool, yeah, I won't."

"Okay, cool."

"Yeah."

Both looked anywhere but at each other.

Appropriate Name-Calling

"I'm a gay witch." Marty stood with a handful of other boys out behind the gym, school uniforms altered almost to the point of being outside regulation, two of them smoking. "Sure, mate." Anson leaned against the wall with his cig. "Thass cool."

"That's it?" Marty looked surprised. "I thought there'd be more teasing or bullying."

Vern, Anson's buddy, took a drag. "Nah. I mean, whassa point, yeah? We're all just people, yeah?"

Marty nodded. "Yeah, cool."

"Here, mate." Anson held out the cig. "Have a puff."

"No thanks."

Vern looked at him like Marty had dung on his face. "What are you, some kind of poofter?"

Marty looked at both of them. "Um, yeah? Just said that, din I?"

"Oh, right." Vern and Anson looked at each other. "We're gonna need some new way to pressure you."

"Whass the opposite of queer?" Anson asked.

"Well, straight?" Marty said.

"Yeah, but, like, a mean way to say it."

"Uh, breeder?" Marty screwed up his face.

Anson shook his head. "Nah, thass weird."

Everyone offered suggestions. "Straighty?" "Hetero?" "Het?"

Vern nodded. "Sure. You don't want a puff? What are you, some kinda het?"

"Fuck, no," Marty said. He took the cig.

The Dancers Take Their Places — Their Next Move Sent Chills Down Everyone's Spine

This was it. The finale of the global television phenomenon Dance Planet Earth. The dance team from France had finished, to thunderous applause. Now, it was the Russians' turn to perform for the largest audience in history, predicted to include over one-point-three billion people watching live. Dancers took their places, struck their opening poses in the dark, and the light came up on movement. They moved in perfect time and rhythm, marking out flawless geometric shapes — concepts, even — with their choreography. Across the world, viewers shuddered as they felt like the temperature had dropped twenty degrees.

Without any foreshadowing, the dancers broke from geometric perfection and shifted into something that looked like utter chaos, beautiful in motion but unrestrained. The dance looked unplannable, yet somehow they stayed in time and their movements still complemented each other.

Around the world, people shivered and hugged themselves or their loved ones tight, eager for heat but unwilling to leave their televisions before the dance was complete. People in places that had never needed heating found themselves in the middle of an emergency.

From their sanctum in the the motherland, Russian sorcerers celebrated, and plotted their conquest over a world of ice.

Your Full Attention

"Honey." She pushed his phone down to the tabletop. "Take a break from the phone, okay?" "Sure, babe, what's up?" He slid the phone to the edge of his reach and looked at his wife.

"So, I think we need to consider..." As she spoke, his phone buzzed on the table. What could that be, he wondered? Is it Bill texting back about this weekend? Or am I about to be late with one of my bills?

He looked at his wife, still talking, and used every ounce of his focus to keep his hand still. Maybe it's an email, he thought. Maybe a sale at Home Depot. I love Home Depot. If they're having an online sale, all the good stuff will go fast. I might already be too late.

Sweat trickled down the back of his neck. He looked at his wife, who said, "...so I think we should give it a try. What do you think?"

He looked at her. Anything to get to the phone. "Sure."

"Great!" She picked up his phone a moment before he got to it. "The digital diet starts now!" He watched her go like a skydiver watches his reserve chute fail.