What's the Hold Up?

"Hey, what's the hold up?" Ron opened the wing-door of his one-seater and stood, raising his voice to get through to the portal technician. He was first in line to pass through to Mars City, and had been for almost an hour. An ancient technician, lines and goggles on her face, slowly unfolded from the base of the portal frame, large enough to pass a semi. "It's the main portal coil. Burned through. Gotta get a new one from storage."

Ron made a face. "How long's that gonna be? I'm gonna miss my grandson's bar mitzvah."

"Well, there're a lot of moving parts in a portal, and I gotta get most've 'em outta the way to pull the main coil." She climbed out of the machine and moved zombie-like to her toolbox a few feet away.

On her way back, Ron shouted, "Could you move any faster? With you shuffling about like that, my grandson will graduate before I get there."

"Sure, sonny." The technician accelerated by exactly zero.

Ron moaned. "At least give me a time estimate 'til I can get through to Mars?"

"Soon as I shuffle off this portal coil," said the technician. And that was that.

Fan Taunts Injured Hockey Player. What Happens Next? INSTANT KARMA

"Yeaaaaah, smash him, smash him!" Roger cheered so energetically he sloshed beer out of his cup. Moments later, one of the opposing team slammed number 14 hard against the glass, and he sank down on the ice. When his teammates helped him up, he skated slowly to the bench, holding his arm tenderly. Roger yelled as 14 passed his rinkside seat. "Ahhh, what's wrong, can't take a little pressure? Soon as the game gets rough, you need to sit out? Want me to call your mommy?" Waaah!"

Little known in the hockey world is the devotion of the Hindu deities to the sport of Hockey. It began when the Canadian traveler Vernon Morely found himself stranded in Punjab and, bored, arranged a hockey competition.

At this very moment, Shani sat in the audience admiring the Canadians' skill. His eyes narrowing, he looked at Roger from across the rink and whispered. Despite the distance, Roger heard each word clearly. "No. For your shameless disregard for this noble game, I pass judgment on your karma. You shall suffer in the next life, which begins... now."

Roger alone heard the cry of a raven, as he transformed instantly and painfully into a pig.

Nine Hundred Years

"Holy shit, holy shit, holyshit." Smoke coiled out from the old oil lamp. "I actually found a genie." "So you have, young Annie." The deep voice rumbled forth just before the smoke coalesced into a bearded man with shimmering skin. "And you must make a wish."

"Not three?"

"Stories may have exaggerated my generosity." The genie smiled. "One thing, they have gotten entirely wrong. You make a wish, but the next person to make a wish receives it."

"I don't get my own wish? Then what's the point?"

"You receive the reward the last to discover me wished upon you."

"What is it?" The genie shrugged and continued to smile.

Annie thought about it for several minutes. "Okay, I wish for enough locally-accepted currency to ensure a life of comfortable luxury for the rest of my natural lifespan," she said.

"Very well." The genie stood back and clapped. "Here is your boon." Dozens of women clad in scanty silks appeared. "A harem of seventy-one virgins."

"What the... When did this wish come from?"

"Almost nine hundred years ago." Genie and lamp disappeared.

The young women smiled, but Annie could only see housing, clothing, and feeding costs climbing to the sky.

The Communist Swim

"Okay, listen fellas, we need to tackle this thing differently." The crowd of swimmers gathered around. "So, we all know how this goes. We all swim our fastest, and then one of us wins and the rest of us get nothing, right?" A chorus of agreement came back at him.

"Well, I think it's time for something different. Something more fair."

One swimmer shouted back, "What's more fair than the fastest getting the prize?"

"What if we all got something? What if there was enough to go around? It doesn't have to be a zero-sum game!" A few others cheered, then more. "Why should I get everything just because I'm out in front?"

"Because you're out in front," shouted the other swimmer, and some cheered him on.

"But what if I want to share? With all of you, my brothers and sisters? If I believe that none should have to suffer if we only work together for the common good!" The crowd roared its approval. "So let's all swim together, and cross the finish line together. Together, we'll all get a bite of the prize!"

Twelve weeks later, the OB/GYN looked at the ultrasound and said, "What the fuck?"

Parents Put a GoPro on Toddler During Hide and Seek. Watch What They Find Out!

"Okay," Erin said, "it's loading. Now shhhh." John stifled his giggles and held up his wife's phone. On its screen, they watched a bobble-headed first-person view of their home. Their home through the eyes of their toddler. The perspective wobbled down a hall decorated with an earth-tone carpet and family photos. It peered into the master bedroom, and Erin hushed John when he whispered, "She's almost found us!" But the camera went past the closet that hid them and peered into the bathroom, then retreated.

It looked into the child's room, then the powder room, and finally the kitchen. "What...?" Erin muttered. The view showed two tiny hands pushing a stool over to the drawers. The child stepped onto the stool, then opened the drawer with a series of small jerks. A toddler's hand pulled out a butcher's knife.

"Oh, my God." Erin tore open the closet door and ran for the kitchen, John on her heels. Racing into the kitchen, they found their child sitting, quietly burbling. The knife was gone.

John rewound the recording, then reached into the back of a cabinet they barely used and brought out several knives. "I told you I wasn't losing our knives."

The Banker and the Farmer

A Farmer was on his way to market when he came across an Investment Banker who had hurt his foot. The Banker could not walk and begged the Farmer to bring him into town. Now, the Farmer was not rich. In fact, all he had in the world were his crops and the two-wheeled cart that he pulled himself. But he took pity on the Banker and promised to pull him to town.

With his wares and the Banker together, the cart was too heavy to pull for long. He stopped and told the Banker he would have to walk a short while or they would both be late.

"You agreed to carry me the entire way!" cried the Banker. "You will have to owe me additional carriage." They walked an hour until the Banker's demanded to return to the cart, and they went thus the rest of the way to town.

"Wait!" cried the Banker. "You owe me additional carriage. Because you did not pay it immediately, you have incurred a fee for late payment. I am adding a farthing to your debt."

When the Farmer refused to pay, the Banker had his goods confiscated to pay the difference.

Big Bird Made Sure

"What is it, Telly Monster?" Maria found her red friend hiding behind Oscar's trash pile. Oscar was nowhere to be seen. "What's wrong?" "He's back." Telly's voice quavered with fear.

"Oh, Telly Monster, did you have a nightmare?" Maria picked him up and sat him next to her on the steps. "Well, it was just a dream. You remember how Big Bird made sure he'd never come back?"

"Yeah..." Telly Monster didn't seem convinced. "But Oscar said he was back."

"Oscar? That rat! Oscar! Oscaaaaar!" Maria called for him, but with no response.

"He left," Telly Monster said. "Said Bruno was taking him to Bali until it's safe."

"Really?" Now Maria sounded concerned. "Have... have you seen Elmo?"

"Me already found Elmo." The gravelly voice made them jump. "Elmo not very good hider."

"Oh, God, I..." Maria backed away. "How long have you been back?"

"Not long." The voice came closer.

"What... what about Big Bird?"

"Me admit, me bit off more than me could chew, that time."

Maria and Telly Monster found their backs against a wall. "Um, do you, do you want a cookie?"

"No," said Cookie Monster. "Cookies are a sometimes food." His black maw opened wide.