This Meat Market

"Hey." Alicia quirked an eyebrow and a smile at the half-naked man. "How you doin'?"

"Miss?" An older man approached, sounding concerned.

She glanced over. "A bit young for you, doncha think?"

His eyes widened in confusion. "Miss, are you... flirting with Jesus?"

Alicia looked up at the man on the cross with a smile. "Is that your name?" She bit her lip. "Strong, silent type? You really hit all my buttons. Bingo!" She laughed, a little self-consciously.

"Miss, this is a church." The priest gently turned her toward the door.

"Did I say you could touch me?"

"Wuh.... No."

"Next time I'll scream." She turned back to Jesus. "Now how about you and I get out of here?"

"Miss, I..." He tried to herd her without touching her, so his hands hovered around her shoulders. She ignored him.

"Don't worry, Jeezy, I may be looking 'cause you're smokin', but I want to know the man behind the muscles. Maybe we fit, maybe we don't, y'know?"

"Thank God," Jesus said, pulling free of the cross. "Most of the time I just feel so objectified, y'know?"

"Let's get outta this meat market."

Gasping in a pew, the priest watched them leave.

They're All Right

Hakim opened his eyes on a stunning scene: clouds glowing ivory beneath the shining sun, a man wearing flowing robes and a kindly smile, and a tall, golden gate.

Hakim's mouth opened, his legs wobbled, and he fell to his knees on the impossibly comfortable clouds. "The Christians were right." He looked like he might weep.

"Oh, no," the man said. "Everyone's right.

Hakim looked up at the man. "What? I.... What?"

The man sat cross-legged in front of him. "Your beliefs are true. So are theirs."

"But where is the paradise of heaven? Where is the ecstasy of knowing Allah? Are you an angel?" His panic nearly boiled over.

The man pointed over Hakim's shoulder, and he turned to see the heaven he had always imagined. Fear left him like air escaping an inflatable snowman.

"Oh, thank—wait." His murmur of relief transformed. "What's with this Western Christian bullshit?" He swept his arm to include the clouds, the gate, and the bogus St. Peter.

"Yeah, western Christianity's snuck into a lot of subconsciouses. Well, see you when you get to stage two." He waved.

"Stage... what?" Hakim had been gazing at paradise. When he turned back, everything else was gone.

Murder Most Towel

Here’s a short I wrote a while back. I hope it’s still entertaining.

Lestrade was still insisting that the assistance of Sherlock Holmes was unnecessary when Holmes energetically swept us into the scene of the crime. The scene looked undisturbed: A private study of moderate size, made to look more intimate by the furniture close-set into the space. A large desk stood before a tall bookcase, both of the same dark wood and facing a severe guest's chair that lacked even a cushion. Nearer to where we stood rested an overstuffed chair upholstered in a deep red.

Occupying this chair was the victim: Sir Argyle Rutherford. His head tilted back and his eyes stared up to Heaven as though looking toward his final reward. A thick towel of rich moss green occupied his mouth, spilling out of it in a grotesque imitation of either consumption or expulsion.

"Well, Holmes," said I, "I'd guess even you have little to add to the method of this particular crime." I stopped at the towel, but Sherlock Holmes swept past without looking at it.

"Only if you consider South American parasites to require no elucidation, Watson," intoned Holmes, bending over to peer closely into the grain of the desk at the far end of the room.

"Parasites?" said Lestrade.

"I don't know, Holmes," I said. "Seems all of crystal to me that the criminal suffocated his victim with this towel."

"A ruse the murderer hoped would catch the investigation. But I assure you, it shall not." He looked over from where he was pulling books off the shelf to taste certain of their pages. "Do get rid of that thing, Watson." At Lestrade's assent, I began withdrawing the towel from Argyle's mouth.

"It's quite in there," I said. "Farther in than a man can push with his fingers. As a medical man, Holmes, I have to believe that the victim was still alive when this towel was pushed into his throat, and that his convulsing muscles must have done the work of pulling it ever deeper."

"What parasites?" said Lestrade.

"Of course you must," said Holmes, cutting into the upholstery of the desk chair. "But if you'll only look at the man's fingertips, you'll see a characteristic greenness--"

"I'm afraid I don't," I said.

"Which is why you are you and I am I," said Holmes. "That and the monogram should make everything clear."

"Oh," I said, looking at the towel still in my hands. "There is a monogram! But it's just the poor man's initials."

"Nonsense! The initials match his most ingenious and prideful enemy, whose initials happen to be the same."

"I'd guess this case to be much simpler than that, Holmes," I said. Detective Gregson came in from elsewhere in the house and whispered a few words to Lestrade.

"Only because you choose to ignore the obvious signs of the South American towel-dwelling pageworm."

"Is he all right?" said Lestrade.

I leaned close and whispered, "He's indulging in his seven-per-cent solution again. I only just managed to find him and start bringing him home when he saw you leave the hansom and insisted on following you in."

"Well, it's simple enough to be over," said Lestrade. "I have it from Gregson that we found a towel missing in the house collection -- this matches the set, by the way -- and just got a confession from his son, who's begged our mercy."

"The son's name," shouted Holmes. "Arthur? Arturo? Anson?"

"Theodore." Holmes's face fell.

"Why don't we get home?" I led him from the room.

I think I shall not publish this tale with the others.

Got Any Oil?

It was a cold night and I was out of sorts as I left the theater. My box seats had been sticky, and an understudy replaced the famous Miguel Dornados, whom I'd gone to see. "Hey, brother." The voice oozed to my ears as though too tired to properly leap. "Brother, got any oil?"

Against decades of trained reflexes, I stopped. "What?" He was gangly, up on his elbows to address me. Moonlight shone off a slick of sweat that made me lean away. If it wasn't the shakes, it might be contagious. These people lie about, take whatever they could beg off soft-hearted passersby who worked for a living. God, it was like they were a different species.

"Anything. Olive. Veggie. Mineral. Machine. Anything, brother. Don't need much." I swallowed my revulsion. Even my disciplined mind had to imagine what it was for. I skipped the thought of dense calories straight to a sex thing I tried and failed not to contemplate.

"No. Uh, no." I quickly left him behind. When I was block away, I called my car and looked back. The sidewalk was empty. Except for a dark, spreading stain that I could only believe was oil.

Such As It Is

"Nothing more to do here?" The severe woman in the crisp, black business suit looked unsmilingly on her partner.

"Nothing." Her partner, a bearded man of sizable girth looked around the small living room with a look that approached wistful as near as it dared. His suit was red and of a much more generous cut, but otherwise in the same style as hers. "Everything's in place. Such as it is."

"Excellent." The woman tapped something on a tablet. "On to the next."

"But..."

"We have a schedule to keep, Nick. No time for a nightcap." The man's gusty sigh soughed through his beard. He made a tired gesture toward their egress with a winter-gloved hand. She ducked in ahead of him and he, pausing a moment, took one last look at the scene: a plastic tree by the fireplace, beneath it a slim binder detailing available rewards for virtue points earned through the year.

"Tick tock, Nick." He closed his eyes and remembered a happier time. "Tick tock." He stepped beside her at the mantle and laid a finger on his nose. As they whisked up the chimney, he wished for a time before the hostile takeover of Christmas.

An Innocent Fiction

It was a tiny story, an innocent fiction. He wrote it for his friend Cindy and, in whimsical fondness, named the character after her. Cindy, as described in no more than two hundred words, was fond of ancient art, her home, and a little bit of arson. Just a funny, little story.

He began receiving old, dusty postcards in the mail, bearing no return address and "What do you know?" spelled with magazine cutouts. Texts came from unknown numbers asking, "How do you know?" He sometimes thought he was being followed.

Running into Cindy in the local bookstore, he asked if she remember that story he'd given her. She furrowed her brow, stared into the recesses of memory, and said, "Oh, yeah. What was it about, again?" Something about the statement felt deceptive, and he excused himself awkwardly.

He woke at three a.m. with Cindy standing over him, gun pointing at his hairline, and he had to mutter "What?" three times before her words made sense. "How did you know?" she said.

"I didn't! I don't! I just wrote a story! I made it all up!"

"Oh." She lowered the gun. "Can we maybe keep this just between us?"

Dog Noir 2

It was a day where everything's too still, so still it puts an itch between your shoulder blades, one you can't reach to chew. I was working out of The Couch, my favorite hangout. The bosses didn't want me there, but I'm not always a good dog.

I was worrying the old Squeaky Frog Case, and I felt on the verge of cracking it when she walked in. Sleek, subtle, and insidious, we'd tussled before. It had never ended well. Usually, she stayed on her turf and I stuck to mine, but The Couch was neutral territory.

I could almost hear the schemes percolating in her mind like the water in a powered-pump water bowl. But she wasn't looking to fight. She had a puzzle for me. She disappeared around the corner and I heard a sound a high wheeze that could only be a break on the Rubber Bone Mystery. I followed at a run.

I found the bone, but not her. Suspicious, I returned to The Couch to find her in my spot. There was no use arguing. When that cat's claws come out, no one walks away happy. It wasn't fair, but hey. It's a dog's life.