There Already

"Are we there yet?" Maria asked. "For the hundredth time," said her mother, "no, we're not there yet. Not for another couple hours."

Maria stared out the window at the sun-drenched California landscape. "I wish we were there already."

A violet mist filled the car. "What the hell?" said her mother.

"Your wish is granted!" boomed a voice. Maria and her brother looked at the middle seat, where a muscular, shirtless man now sat, cramped, with a bright smile and a thick beard. He brought his hands together, and with a sound like a thunderclap, the four of them and the genie appeared inside Disneyland.

"Thanks, Genie!" Maria hugged him.

He looked uncomfortable. "Um, people don't usually appreciate me."

"Well," Maria's mother said, "you got us where we wanted to be, without the hours of travel. Thank you! Is there anything we can do for you?"

"No, really, there's nothing." The genie disappeared, looking kind of guilty.

"Well, kids," she said, "let's have a great time."

It was only hours later, after the security personnel escorted them from the park for not having passes, that they heard the news about an empty car causing a huge pileup on Interstate 5.

They Win Again

"You ever think we're just not real?" Mighty Man slowed his struggle with Devillain's power armor. "Is this another one of your tricks?"

"Not a trick." Devillain sounded resigned. "Just... you ever get the idea we do this for someone's entertainment?"

"Foolish nonsense!" Mighty Man punched another hellblaster cannon off Devillain's suit.

"Really! With your rule against killing and the lax prison system, we'll inevitably clash again and again. It's the perfect setup!" The Judas Beam smashed Mighty Man across the street into a haberdashery.

"We'd not fight if you abandoned your devilish villainry!" Mighty Man cannonballed into Devillain, propelling them through a sandwich shop.

"I know I can't win!" He fired off a round of imp missiles. "You're super strong, and nothing hurts you! Why wouldn't I stop?"

Mighty Man froze. "Um, why don't you?"

"The writers don't want me to."

"Writers? Come on."

"Look." Devillain exited his suit. "I'm done, okay?"

"Back to jail with you, then."

"Except this time, I'm going to the morgue." Devillain drew a knife and thrust it into his own heart.

"No!" Mighty Man's unyielding grip stopped the knife before it went more than skin deep.

"See?" Devillain sounded exhausted. "They win again."

Durance of the Accused

"The court finds it undeniable that Aelfir Arond did hunt, torment, and slay over four score humans during the period beginning in the third year of the second reign of Queen Earigoth and ending in the eighth year of the second reign of King Haelminoth." The lawspeaker addressed the queen and the accused with a rather smug look on his face, ignored because elves always look rather smug. "Does the accused have any final statements before hearing passage of sentence?" asked Queen Imfaer Palmiar. Her voice was distant like a third echo.

"No," spoke Arond. "No fate you can consign me to will take away the pleasure I have stolen under your noses. Perhaps one day you will realize the joys you deny yourselves." Arond looked smug even for an elf.

"Very well," spoke the queen. "We sentence you to community service." The smug look fell off Arond's face at once. "Your new name is Fizzbert. Report to Santa's workshop by morning or face severance from the elfinstone. The accused's durance is to be until the third year of Queen Earigoth's fourth reign." The gavel struck.

Lawspeaker, queen, and audience departed, leaving only an empty courtroom, and Fizzbert, who wept.

Hello, Surprise Genie

Dennis slouched on the plastic bench seat and looked out the school bus window, slouching and morose. "I wish the ride to school was shorter," he said. Purple mist billowed up from the bus's heating vents, casting everything in a lilac tint until Dennis couldn't even see the backpack he'd put next to him to save the seat. "Your wish," boomed a deep voice, "is grrrrrranted!" A muscular, half-naked man with a big beard and white grin appeared from the mist. From below him, the bus made a loud, grinding clunk, and shuddered to a stop.

"I can really wish for things?" Dennis said. "This is awesome!"

After a moment on the radio, the driver said, "Okay, kids, just hang tight. We're getting another bus to pick us up and finish the route."

"Hey." Dennis looked at the genie. "This didn't make the ride shorter at all!" The genie shrugged.

"Hold on." The driver listened to the radio. "Change of plans. They can't find a bus for us, so we're going to have to walk to school. Everybody get your stuff."

In his booming voice, the genie declared, "The ride is over!" and evaporated into mist.

"This sucks," Dennis said.

Spoiler: It's Called Morok

Following signals of advanced civilization, Explorer-Captain Helen Farnsworth made humanity's first landfall on the planet designated V7234 CCY03-2. She hoped she'd soon learn its native name for the atlases. Landing near the largest city, she debarked into a welcoming throng of enthusiastic natives. They were radially symmetric with three of everything, but apart from that reasonably human.

"Gbkmorokwnfapqnfhmorokahihfhpptap," one said.

"Language analyzed," said Helen's translator. "Enabling live translation."

"So, what's your name?" asked the alien.

"Helen Farnsworth. I'm afraid I missed your name."

"I'm Morok," it said, "and this is Morok, and with us on this historic day is, of course, Morok."

"Do you mean you all share the same name?"

"Of course," Morok said.

"But how do you know who you're talking about?"

"Hey, Morok!" Morok called into the crowd. One native turned its attention to Morok. "This person doesn't know how to tell people apart!"

"What a Morok!" Morok called back. The crowd roared with laughter.

"I... how do you know when someone's addressing you?"

"Context, my friend," Morok said. "Come on, I'd like to introduce you to Morok. Ooh, and Morok! Morok's going to love you."

Looking lost, Farnsworth let Morok pull her into the alien city.

A Fountain on the Mountain

"Y'know, it really feels strange, knowing there are glottal stops in English. I thought they were only for, like, African bush language or something." "What are you talking about?"

"You know, those tribes out in—"

"No, about English."

"Oh, well, you know the way we pronounce words like 'mountain' or 'fountain.' We say 'moun' and then a little 'uhn.' That break in there is a glottal stop."

"So, it's kind of funny, but I've always meant to talk to you about the way you say those words."

"Huh?"

"Well, when you say them, you sound really weird. You skip a whole syllable."

"Mountain's a two-syllable word."

"See, just like that. When you say it, there's this weird gap—"

"Right, the glottal stop."

"Yeah, okay. But the rest of us say 'mountain.'"

"That is literally exactly how I say it."

"Can you really not hear the difference?"

"There is no difference!"

"That is so weird. Is it some neurological thing? Like, your brain just doesn't register the ___ sound."

"Because there is no — you're not making any sound!"

"It'd make sense that you never learned to pronounce it. Did you see a speech-language pathologist when you were young?"

"I'm leaving."

An Honest Living

"Good morning," she said, "my name is Erin and I'll be your waitress today. I'm going to flirt with you through the meal in the hopes of getting a bigger tip, just enough to keep you paying attention but not so much that you're confident that I'm interested. I'll be employing this bit of cleavage right here." "Sounds great," he said. "I'm Jack, and I'm happy to give you an extra buck or two for the thrill of feeling desired and the opportunity to fantasize about seeing you again for the next few days."

"Wonderful! I'll be back in a few minutes for your order." He perused the menu, several times glancing over to see if she was looking at him. Once, she was.

"Do you know what you'd like?"

"Yes. I'll have the breakfast burrito with ham, plus a bit of additional attention, which will cause me to return each of the next three days hoping to see you again, during which I'll tip your co-workers well even if I don't see you."

"Excellent choices. I'll get both of those started for you." She winked and smiled, and he watched her leave with the menu.

And everyone left satisfied.